Sunday, October 16, 2005

What you don't know

When I started this blog, it was to document the changes I had decided to make in my life. It is only through change that our spirit can grow.
First it was physical. One of the easier
But I, also, hoped to include my mental and emotional changes as well.

Many of you know that I am the proud mom of a beautiful almost 10 year old daughter. And even though we clash on many occassions, she is my greatest joy!
What you don't know is that I am also the mom of two beautiful boys who now run with the angels.

The reason I posted the picture below is to introduce you to my first son, Matthew.
When Sheridan was 22 months old our home was expanded my one....this beautiful boy.
I believed that my family was complete. Boy and girl, husband and wife. Who could ask for anything more perfect. He was gorgeous...huge blue eyes surrounded by the longest eyelashes and the joy of all who met him...especially his big sister.
The two would just sit for hours, in the silence and you could see their contentment.

However, one week before Christmas, we took Matthew to emergency for dehydration, only to have him have a seizure. We were admitted and all seemed clear 2 days later.

3 weeks later, we went to emergency again and he once again had a couple of seizures. We were admitted to the Children's hospital...put with a neurologist and numerous tests were completed. By only God's luck we were paired with a neurologist who had dealt with Matthew's illness, 16 years before. He was diagnosed with Menkes or kinky hair syndrome.

We were brought into the doctor's office and informed that the disease our precious son had was terminal. They had no clue what would happen over time or how long he had, all they could say was that he was only ours for a short time.


We were blessed with knowing this beautiful little boy for 14 months. August 26, 1997 to October 15, 1998. Yesterday was his birthday into heaven.

I often think of the scene in "Steel Magnolias" where the mom says she was blessed to be there when that beautiful creature came into the world and when she left. I was blessed in such a way.

My husband and I made his comfort our mission. He was only in the hospital one more time and that was to insert a feeding tube which they thought he would not recover from. But his spirit fought back and he stayed another 2 months.

After 3 years of grieving, and having the genetics doctors tell us that I couldn't be a carrier...we tried again...only to find out at 17 weeks that Zachary too had the disease. Making the most difficult choice of my life, I decided I couldn't let him suffer as much or worse than Matthew had, so I terminated the pregnancy. This was difficult on more than one level because I truly am a Pro-lifer for myself. But motherhood won out over my value system.

I am not telling you this tale to make you sad or have you feel pity for me.
Knowing these two boys has been a double-edged sword. I was privileged to know them and I wouldn't wish away any of my time with them, because that would be the same as not wanting them...and that would be a true crime.

I want the world to know about these two precious souls.
I still struggle daily with the lost and don't know if I will ever totally heal but there are days when I can go without thinking every hour about them.
This also has placed me on another journey with my husband...but that is another day's discussion.

So tonight as you tuck your children into bed, realize what a gift you have.
Yes they drove you insane and they will again tomorrow. They know how to push our buttons and how to say the nastiest of things. But at the same time...they are only ours for such a small amount of time.

Treasure the gift while you have it....and remember two precious angels now and then.


luvs2knit said...

{{{Hugs}}} from Western PA. They will always be your boys.

Jennifer said...

You are in my thoughts. Thank you for sharing....